Today’s entry comes from my best friend, McCall. Honestly, it’s hard to put into words how much I love her or value the safety I feel in her presence, no matter how long it’s been since we saw each other last or what’s going on in either of our lives. There is such a peace and safety in having a friend who chooses to love you like family. McCall is so good, so full of light, and one of the very best parts of my life. I just love her, and SO relate to what she has to say:
“Gratitude. Lately I have been thinking about this topic because I realize it’s the antidote to a problem I’m having. When my husband and I got married, I often scrolled through a certain social media app…or two, and my husband noticed that I would compare my life to what I saw other people sharing and it made me unhappy. I wanted to travel, I wanted to be on dates with my husband 24/7 (like hardly anyone does that haha), I wanted this or that outfit. I was missing what I had in the now because I was wanting something that was for another time, another person, another place, or even unattainable.
Long story short I made a resolution to stay off social media. It felt wonderful. I felt more present.
And then my baby was born. And of course I had to share a picture! It was the most intense, definitely the most painful, and most powerful experience of my life to give birth and hold my son and feel the love that I had for him after only ever seeing him for a second and feeling him inside of me for 8 months.
But as maybe a lot of you new moms out there know, you have a lot of time holding a sleeping baby, nursing a baby, pumping, hiding in your bathroom or under a blanket while the baby cries and you cry. And while that baby is cute and you love to look at its face even though it hasn’t done anything new for the past hour, you turn to your phone and scroll. And scroooooll.
And then, for me, I want. And waaaaant. I want to be able to get out of my house for more than 20 minutes*. I want to be able to shower and feel pretty again like that girl. I want to be able to cook dinner like she did. I want my house to be clean and cutely decorated like my Pinterest board. I want to go swimming in a new swimsuit and lose the baby weight noooow. I want to go to Europe because flights are super cheap and everyone is doing it and it’s been my dream for forever.
Even now that my life has normalized I still want what I can’t have. I’ve decided that I feel peace when I turn off my phone while I pump and watch my little baby play and make him giggle. They grow up so fast and I’ll never get that time back. I’m so grateful for my son. I’m grateful he is healthy and I’m grateful I get to watch him grow and learn and play. I’m so grateful for my loving husband. I’m so thankful for the adventures that I do get to go on, even if they are close to home. I’m grateful for my clothes, my home, my car, my everything even if they are old or mismatched. I have so much to be grateful for–cue Josh Groban.
*Disclaimer: For all of you pregnant ladies or new moms who are terrified that your life will never be remotely normal after having a baby, don’t worry. It will definitely get better and you’ll have a cute little buddy to play with and go on adventures with. I was so worried that I was doomed to forever living in my pj’s and greasy hair.”