Home words Confession.

Confession.

April 12, 2011

So here’s the thing. I’ve tried to avoid blogging about this for a while, simply because I don’t like to focus on sad things or be like, “poor me” about stuff. It’s not my thing. I’m a happy kid! So I guess what I’m saying is, if you come here to laugh, I’m really sorry to be a downer today. You can skip this one, dear friends. But this is my blog, and I’m going to write about whatever is on my mind. Alllways have. (Hahaha. Even if it’s been inappropriate. Heck. ESPECIALLY if it’s inappropriate.)

So. I know it’s not on purpose, but this whole senior year, but particularly second semester, I can’t help but feel like all my senior friends and I are becoming more and more distanced. And I know that’s natural and it’s part of life, but it’s still sad, you know? I have a couple friends in particular that I just feel like are far away, and it’s honestly breaking my heart lately. Look. I’m realistic, I think. I know it’s senior year, I know we’re all going off to live our lives, go to our colleges, and grow tons. We’ll grow apart. I know it’s a natural thing, in some ways, a beautiful, good thing. But holy heck. It sucks.

Part of it is probably that I’m off campus half of the day both A Day and B Day. I didn’t expect that to be a big deal, but there’s definitely a tangible difference in how people include me. It’s been surprising. They don’t remember to ask me to lunch, or invite me to play after school, or just stuff like that even when I am there. And I’m not writing this to be a martyr or anything annoying like that, or begging for attention. I’m just saying, the slow seperating is not my thing. I’m much better with clean breaks that make sense.

For example? I’m in this thing called Advanced Theatre. It has changed my life. I love it more than anything else I do in school; it’s why I still can force myself to attend school at all. But it will end. I don’t want to think about it yet, since we have so much more to do together, but it will. But that’ll be okay. I know we’ll all say goodbye, but I know the full, beautiful year we’ve had together changed me for good. So somehow that seems okay. It’ll be one of the hardest things in the world, but I know when it’s happening and how, and it’ll happen in a way that is just as beautiful and scary and good as the way it started. I don’t know. I’m really slaughtering this, but.

It just sucks when someone, or a couple people, who used to be your go-to people have zero interest in you anymore. It feels weird, and you feel useless. Like an ancient stuffed animal loved good and hard, but outgrown. I don’t know. I don’t really know I what I’m getting at here, but, I’m really sad about it. And sometimes I wonder what I did? I know it sounds like I’m throwing myself a pity party here. I hope I’m not, but maybe I am. It probably has nothing to do with me, realistically. It’s probably just this stage of life. It just feels personal. I just feel like some of the people I’ve docked my boat to for so long, colored my days with, even measured the past few years of my growth by, are drifting away. I promise I’m okay – I’m just confused right now. And sad. I know it will be okay, and that I’ll be fine. I guess two things are coming to mind for me after that pointless, nonsensical ramble.
This is a picture I drew after one of the most influental events of my life, a show we did last year called The Yellow Boat. It might look silly, a little juvenile. It’s just crayons and a first-draft form of what I was feeling. But it’s my art, and it means the world to me because it looks exactly how I felt it.

A line from that show just keeps playing over and over in my head.

“It’s time for the Yellow Boat to set sail.”

“We’ll all set sail.”

“No. This time I have to go alone.”
I’m not really sure why I keep thinking of that one line. But I feel a little better, a little braver, just thinking of that play. I know I’m never really alone. I have my Heavenly Father and my Savior, and my family, and some friends that will always have an interest in me. I know that. 🙂 I just am sad about this today. Really, pretty sad.
But I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I had this rotten day. There were happy things. There always are! In faaact, now that I feel a little better for having at least attempted to language whatever this is… I think it’s time to go make a list of everything that makes me happy. Don’t you? I really think so.
I’m going to take a deep breath, and I’m going to go read my scriptures, make a list of everything I loved about today, and I’m going to say a big long thank-you prayer.
Annnd, if you did decide to read this, I’m not going to apologize. I’m not throwing myself a pity-fest, I’m not going to wallow in this, I just needed to honestly get it out there. As raw as it sort of was, my words are my art. And I love art. Sometimes it’s all you have.
And hey. I love YOU. K, great.
And now, I’m going to leave it to Ben Folds, who sometimes says it best:

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3 comments

Emily April 14, 2011 at 12:10 am

Shelby, Let me tell you: I love you so much more for letting these kind of feelings out there. I have felt that so much as well this year and it is a very sad concept to wrap your mind around. Because really, does anyone want to let go of friendships that they've had for a really long time?? I sure don't. Just know that the people that matter the most will always be there for you, through rain or shine, or heck: even through a crazy off-campus schedule. 😉 You are an amazing woman so you will never be alone, I promise! I'm here for you if you ever need to talk or whatever! 🙂

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Shelby April 14, 2011 at 12:17 am

Hey. I love you so much more than you know. So. You might've made my day.
P.s. You don't have handles!!! You just have arms.

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Amber June 6, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Sending you love. Ben folds is as true today as he was in 2003. I am so old.

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